Dysregulation in Relationship Conflict
Sometimes people try to control their nervous system, by trying to tell you to control yours. “Calm down”, “Stop yelling”, or “I’m leaving because of how you’re talking to me”. We’ve all been there. On one hand they’re obviously boundaries. On the other hand they’re all tell-tale signs of this codependent nervous system regulation. If you’re not calm, how can I be calm? If you’re yelling, how am I supposed to not yell? If you’re labeling, accusing, and name-calling, am I just supposed to sit there and take it? If you’re feeling emotions, am I supposed to just feel them too? We all get into arguments. We’ve all been in some nasty ones. There’s no avoiding that through growing. We all had to start somewhere. Where we go wrong is by reinforcing the codependent downward spiral rather than reinforcing collaborative calmness. Our emotions are infectious; Chaos breeds chaos, calm breeds calm. If neither one is shooting for calm, it will never get calm.
If someone is acting dysregulated, does giving them an ultimatum take all their bad feelings away? Of course not. We need to let them feel what they’re feeling, not take it personally, and show them how it CAN be, show them they’re safe to be regulated. Dysregulation is only there in the first place to instinctively scramble for any little shred of safety that we can find.
You may be thinking, “So is this guy must just be perfectly regulated all the time.” and to that I say, HELL no. I struggle just like you. Life can be a bitch sometimes, but it’s a bitch that I’m pretty fond of. I’m talking about this because it’s relevant to everyone, including me, and the infinite challenges can be crazy tough. We need to find our own balance for allowing the roller coaster of trauma and fear responses to slow down to manageable waves so that we can have a successful relationship. Not expect the fear response to be instantly disassembled to this false sense of “perfect” unemotional communication.
If someone is speaking about their emotions, should we expect them to not sound emotional? If someone is mad or frustrated, should they not be allowed to express that? Are we trying to encourage authentic communication or robotic communication? The content of what you’re saying gets embodied by how you say it. If I tell you, “I feel absolutely livid” in a calm tone, then say, “I feel absolutely LIVID!”, in an expressive tone. Which one is more authentic? If the content of what we say is our loving truth; it’s necessary to express, it’s not hurtful, and it’s useful information, then the delivery needs to be cut some slack. I’m not saying you should be screaming at each other. The goal is definitely to not cuss, yell or fight at all, but don’t nitpick the tonality until there isn’t a shred of human-ness left in what you’re allowed to express.
This gets tricky when one party is especially triggered by tonality. Sensitivity is a superpower, not an excuse to evade problem-solving. When someone gets triggered by the tonality when the actual content isn’t hurtful, or maybe not even directed to them at all, what then? Somewhere between emotionless robot and letting all hell rain down, there’s a healthy balance for every dynamic. You shouldn’t have to speak like a robot. If you speak with no emotion, you’re basically reinforcing the idea that they’re broken and no one can make loud noises around them because they’re so sensitive. You also need to know that if you speak without thinking of the impact of your tone and volume, and showcase an overwhelming emotion, that your words won’t even matter. They won’t be heard, or worse since they’re in threat-detecting mode, almost anything that you say that can be interpreted as threatening, definitely will be. The person who’s in their fear response needs to be able to drop out of it, and that’s not done by expecting the world around you to be a Himalayan sunset, it’s done through exercising your capacity. Regulating in real time, breathing deep while you are listening, staying connected to the dialogue, remind yourself that the other person is expressing their suffering so they can let go of it. If you’re safe, tell yourself you’re safe. If you’re ACTUALLY not safe from serious psychological or physical harm, then get the f*ck out. There’s no sugar-coating that.
If you are in a safe, loving relationship then keep your boundaries that are NEEDED but exercise letting them slide around here and there unless you actually expect your partner to be an expressionless, emotionless diplomat. If you want authenticity, make room for authenticity. If you want to be a delicate flower, be a flower someone wants to tend and drop those thorns! I grew up with three older sisters, I now have 3 younger ones as well and females can dish it just like males can and males can be sensitive just like females can. It doesn’t matter. I’ve had all sorts of acts of war waged against me followed up with the “delicate flower” routine. I’ve been cussed out, glared at, put down, for days on end and when I stood up for myself and said, “That’s enough!” That’s when it’s all of a sudden about how unacceptable your tone is when you said, “That’s enough!” How you waved your arms, how you stood tall, the volume of your voice… It feels like they put the ol’ horse blinders on for themselves and can only see what happened WELL into the scenario they created… and it’s a trauma response. They’re not the villain either! No one is! They had no room to be imperfect growing up with overly-critical parents or parents who were emotionally unavailable to them. Our minds don’t know the difference between feeling unsafe and actually being unsafe unless we train it. What happens is they actually get it to their fear response state and they literally cannot remember a single thing you say UNLESS it’s in any way threatening. Their consciousness is locked in on the lookout for only what may harm them. So that’s where we need to be expressing safety, tailored to their individual needs. Not halting expression of emotion. Just creating the safety for them to know that it’s not a threat that we have emotions.
If you want to have a heavy-duty discussion for growth in an emotionally volatile area, your Loving kindness is the only PPE that you need. What matters is your control is only as effective as your contribution. If you contribute deflection, semantics, gaslighting, and no accountability, you can bet that the other person is going to want to take their respective turn. Mirroring. We don’t have to mirror unconsciously, we need to mirror consciously. Show them what this conversation looks like with regulation. Not to patronize them. Be transparent with exactly why you’re doing it. Say, “I want to have a regulated discussion about it because I love you and I want to work through this with you.” Hoo… that would knock the fiery winds out of my sails. One party saying, “Ok. I really want to give some acknowledgement to your feelings. Would you hold space for mine after?” The thing with trauma is, it’s a build up. Not every reaction of response is truly any of our faults, it’s just our responsibility now to grow our awareness and communicate what we’re feeling, so our partner knows how to hold space for us. Not coddle us and reinforce our fragility or volatility, but gently work through it by creating a space of safety. Not running away, shutting down, or fighting the second things get a little hairy.
Growing includes growing our capacity for the chaos of the world around us. We can’t hold anyone in resentment for not seeing eye-to-eye. We can’t avoid our partner and grow with them. We can’t always be scrambling for self-protection and evolve a healthy relationship dynamic. Only Love can keep us grounded to do the best that we can.
