Stepping Out of Others’ Framework
People like labels. Labels are comforting. They make us feel like something makes sense. You can just slap ‘em on and don’t have to do any more tiresome thinking. The issue arises when someone slaps a label on OUR framework, framing us as something that’s a projection of their own experience, not ours. It’s a bit easier to care about when it’s some random person, and more challenging the closer the person is to you. To make it more challenging, the issue goes both ways. Of course there’s the obvious where you are being misidentified or reduced to an unfair generalization, then there’s the issue of communicating that… without stepping INTO their frame. This can prove to be a tricky task as when someone slaps a label on something or someone, they’re trying to relieve themselves of having to think any deeper into the overwhelming, tough mental terrain. Their ideal choice of convenience is just slappin’ a label, one-and-done.
By confronting them on this you’re not just standing up for yourself but undermining their attempt at authority, which some people don’t take too kindly to. The best way to step out of others’ framework, is to not step into it at all. If they make an assumption or conclude you to be one thing or another, let them. You aren’t going to change their mind by confronting them. If they’re adamant on addressing their issue with you and give you the space to do it freely without them forcing authority on the topic, only then can you give your perspective. As soon as perspectives clash with self-importance then it’s not going to go anywhere.
I personally struggle with this. When my no-bullshit, punk-rock nature gets a label put on it, my shadow side screams, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!”. I absolutely detest being labeled negatively, generalized, or even being framed to defend why I don’t want to be labeled. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t be labeled but let’s get real, this ain’t no perfect world. You’re going to get labeled, scrutinized and all that. So it just comes down to sovereignty. If your whole world thinks you’re a schmuck, let them. You are the only one you need to care about impressing. You can’t be the best that someone else wants you to be, you can only be the best that YOU can be.
Anger and respect are two different things entirely. You can absolutely be angry at someone while still respecting them. Anger isn’t there for us to suppress it, it’s protection fuel. Just like any fuel there are ways to use it that are constructive and destructive. Used with intention it can fuel many progressive discussions, use it carelessly and watch your life go up in flames. Using it to burn others just frames ourselves as the arsonist every time. We want to protect ourselves, and ideally in a regulated way. Watch closely when someone tries to frame you, and look deeper. It’s likely a projection of what’s going on inside them. Have compassion for them. Be weirdly transparent and say, “Do you feel that way? Honestly I don’t and when you said that I felt really frustrated because it hurts to feel like you see me like that when it’s not my truth.”
When we get activated by something someone says, our mind does a little unconscious time travel to the time when our original wound or pattern we observed came from. In the moment we still feel present, but we aren’t. We feel the feelings of the past IN the present. Grounding ourselves in the present moment, in our breath, in the underlying energy behind the words spoken, creates the opportunity to see behind the veil enough for us to enhance our equanimity and capacity for these triggering challenges. Once we truly realize the others’ frame isn’t ours to step into, and we are safe in the ores we don’t feel pressured to step into it.
