Shadows that Destroy Relationships: Subtle Intimacy Killers

There’s many red flags that we can all plainly see as obvious “get out” signals or “must address” things in a relationship: lack of respect, avoidance, lack of accountability, lack of effort, transactional mindset, triangulation, and manipulation are some common ones. Some signals aren’t so easy to spot. What's more concerning is when these issues are played off as “expressing authentically”, which demonstrates an unhinged, emotion driven, and thoughtless communication of one’s feelings. Here’s some of the signals that can commonly get overlooked or played off like they’re no big deal but are truly devastating to relationships under the surface.

Bringing up Ending it

When they get offended, go through a hard time, when you have a fight, they talk about moving out or ending the relationship. This can be common early on, but if you’re trying to fix a relationship where the other party keeps bringing up ending it entirely, you’re on two completely different paths… away from each other. Ultra-red flag if they bring up ending it over petty affairs or a bruised ego. This is absolutely devastating as it shows that while you are grounded on a level of commitment to see things through, they don't see or feel the same way and convenience will always be valued over cooperative evolution. Your mistakes are seen as reasons to leave, not places for communication and improvement. Thoughts of “what if” are perfectly normal. It doesn't mean you should go planting “what if” seeds in your most important relationship of your life just because the thoughts cross your mind. Save those thoughts for a therapist.

Unending Doubt

Early on it’s common to have doubts but as the relationship comes to fruition if there isn’t a reciprocal commitment made then there will be doubt. A solid relationship NEEDS a foundation of loyalty and trust, which doubt is the mortal enemy of. They may never have had a relationship that they can relate to as a safe place, so any hiccups of human error or dysregulation are seeds of doubt that grow quickly.

Non-Reciprocal Grace

You hold space for them, they don’t hold space for you. You give them leeway when they’re going through a hard time, and they pin down every detail of what you do, regardless of the circumstance. You have an understanding for what they’re going through, and they may claim to, but show no grace for any mistakes you make. This can look like being given an opportunity to vent, but once you do, being told what your feeling is wrong. They claim to be there for you to express yourself, but are overstimulated and stressed when you share and panic to hastily end/fix your issue as fast as possible.

Adamancy of Independence

Despite shared goals, shared endeavors, shared space, they crave independence. No matter how much space they get, no matter how far apart you get, they are still craving more space, more independence. This is someone who at their core, isn't ready for an intimate relationship and doesn't quite grasp the functionality of sustainability in a reciprocal relationship, but enjoys being taken care of.

Need for Control/Forced Hyper-independence

They make efforts to exert their independence and control, even if it’s at your expense, or completely illogical. They are stuck in a mindset of “mine and yours” and the concept of “ours” doesn’t really register on a deeper level. Shared spaces, items, routines, habits, are either “put up with” and resentment builds, or they will have ongoing issues with your things and how you choose to live your life. Signs can be seen of this when the relationship has no visible issues, they're willing to let you take care of them, but when they are angry, they will get very petty and showcase a forced, unnatural portrayal of hyperindependence. Your gifts will be returned, destroyed, your favors will be denied, your contributions will be pushed back at you… until the dust settles at least.

Vindictive

Everything they SHOULD take accountability for has an explanation that you show respect for, while everything YOU do are nails in your coffin. Anything they do that’s against you has a vindictive motivation behind it and to them it excuses their behavior however they see fit. What should be a minor grievance easily turns into vengeful behavior. Underneath, they believe that punishing you will turn you into the person they want you to be, or they truly have no awareness of what they're doing and are unconsciously ruining the relationship.

Victim Mentality

The main danger with a victim mentality, is they need to identify an oppressor to fulfill their victim mindset. That’s YOU. This turns every day squabbles, arguments, disagreements, fights, or nervous system regulation into unforgivable abuse that builds resentment and will end the relationship sooner or later.

Unforgiving/Lack of Empathy

Despite identifying as the victim themselves, they're firmly on the mindset that you AREN’T a victim…. Ever… No matter what they do to you. With the vindictive mindset they are in a constant state of retaliating. You make a mistake and they focus on not forgetting it, highlighting the part that made them feel triggered and purposefully forgetting the important defining factors of your experience; your environmental circumstances, your intentions, your true feelings, or your apologies.

Commitment to the Divide

Lines like, “I’ll never forgive you” show they are actively seeking a reason to separate. It's a threat to state that they are actively choosing to never have respect for you. Also common is an unwillingness to treat your communicated experience as legitimate so they’re always confused. Always trying to understand why you did or said what you did, despite you thoroughly explaining every step behind why. It’s not that the event is truly an anomaly… it’s that they’re committed to the occurrence as a useful piece of ammunition to their agenda of furthering division.

Cheap Talk

They say all the right things, it SOUNDS good. It SOUNDS like love… but their actions seem… rushed. They can talk you up all day, but when it’s time to come through with action for their partner, the talk changes and turns into excuses. They'll always claim to be doing their best, and may be telling the truth but their willingness to talk the talk doesn't mean they'll walk the walk. They may say they appreciate you, what you do, but when it comes time to SHOW the appreciation, it's nowhere to be found.

Obsession with fairness and equality (When it's convenient)

Equity is perfectly fine when it’s needed in a relationship. In fact, equity is a key characteristic in what we use to identify what makes a civilization or community CIVIL. There’s no perfectly equal relationship. It's unavoidable that one party or the other will face challenges that the other doesn't. A healthy partnership strives for a balance of both equality AND equity. If it's always one way or the other, there isn't enough grace for the chaos of life to be able to unfold with thoughtful dynamic shifts that adapt to the challenges in life.

General Non-Reciprocity

You do this, you do that, they… don’t. You think of them. Try to make their lives easier, and in turn your requests that make your relationship or cohabitation easier for you are treated as threatening or condescending. Your requests aren’t truly valued so any excuse under the sun will come up to put down anything you request and no amount of kind wording will be able to communicate it properly.

The Ever-Changing Story (Circulating Excuses/Complaints)

They said they just needed leeway during this one time. There is just this circumstance to why they’re needing special treatment. And the one time passes, and the circumstances change, and there’s a new story to why they need this special treatment. This builds up until you’re walking on eggshells and incapable of making any progress towards communicating your truth. The space for communication is held hostage with their constant needs creating an imbalance.

Denial of Your Accountability

No matter how much responsibility you take, how much you admit your faults, explain your triggers, take accountability, make progressive plans to evolve, they'll still seem hellbent that you haven't taken accountability or want to work together. Likely because they don't.

Patterns of Self-Prioritizing

If you want something and they want something else, their request typically prevails. Their pet peeves are communicated aggressively while your pet peeves are disregarded and/or invalidated. When both parties are struggling with a challenge, they expect special treatment even if it's at the expense of the other party, or at an inopportune time. This commonly shows up as one partner consistently trying to take care of the other by being thoughtful, while the other partner sees more and more deficiencies rather than focusing on shifting their priority to the party trying to take care of them.

Repressed Aggression

They work very hard to appear to be calm. This gives them a superiority complex. While you authentically express frustrations, they back away, highlighting your actions or words as unacceptable; invalidating your communication unless it's wrapped up in a neat package. They express their anger through passive aggressive or more sentimental, deeper ways rather than express their frustration. Instead of focusing on the frustration at hand, they will take much more aggressive steps to guilt, shame, hurt you, and dismantle the relationship. Aggression HAS to be expressed in productive and/or healthy ways because it will ALWAYS come out one way or another.

While it's true that people can change, multiples of these characteristics make for an emotionally challenging relationship that is more or less doomed if these issues are not prioritized and collaboratively dealt with. Things may be fine now, but when there are challenges, watch for these shadowy aspects to show up and do your best to call them out in a way that demonstrates your commitment to them and a healthy relationship dynamic. When dysregulation and emotional flooding occurs, our true nature is exposed. There is a certain degree of tolerance; space holding that is imperative for any successful relationship. Ask a couple that has successfully been together for decades and you'll be sure that many of these issues once had a negative effect on their relationship. The main difference is that they were able to navigate through, stay loyal, stay cooperative enough to share the common goal of healing their relationship dynamic.