Effective Help: Support without Control
You can’t fix someone. You can’t heal someone who needs to find their own way. You may play a vital role, but only when you let the healing happen and stop trying to force it to happen. You may think, “If they don’t want my help, they must not want to evolve.” That’s the ego; fighting for control, projecting its fix-it-all, savior mentality. It says, “If you won’t fix your problems my way, then you don’t want them fixed.” This leads to a resentful martyr mindset. You are there helping and it feels like they don’t want to be helped. The thing is… that’s perfectly fine. If we don’t have a drive to fix our problems for ourselves, we aren’t very evolved. If you don’t want someone to depend on you to be fixed, why would you create that very dynamic? Someone showing they don’t want help doesn’t always mean they are avoiding evolution. It shows you that they are working on it themselves. If you actually succeeded to change someone, you’d skip them ahead to a place they didn’t arrive at themselves, actually stealing their opportunity for organic growth.
If you were making changes within yourself that were difficult to see for others, when you finally got the chance to put your inner work to the test and that moment comes where you demonstrate overcoming that behavior in the heat of the moment, what would have a more positive outcome, having your growth seen and validated or having your inner work go unacknowledged? If you showed growth in behavior or emotional intelligence, it would likely be so inspiring to have it seen rather than the progress you made go unnoticed. In fact, if our progress isn’t acknowledged it more so feels dismissed or invalidated which takes away our main motivational feedback. If you’re working hard on something to show someone and they won’t see it, what’s the point? It’s possible that we don’t give proper credit out of fear that the effort will cease once we show our appreciation. Unfortunately, this is a manipulation tactic that many are unconscious of, that is an attempt to control someone’s ongoing efforts. It’s a short term, materialistic approach to a highly-personal and valuable scenario in which the proper communication dynamic is cut off short once the goal is achieved, never resolving fully. In psychology, this is sometimes referred to as “moving the goalpost”. Once the “goal” is achieved, the person who achieved it is presented with a new goal in lieu of any acknowledgement of the original goal being achieved. Wanting to change someone is an invasion of personal boundaries, of their sovereignty. They will be what they will be, ever-changing.
If you actually want to be a positive catalyst for change for someone, show them that you trust them to do it and pay attention to every bit of evolution you CAN see. Inspiration leads to motivation for authentic change. The best way to do this is to lead by example and be kind to their shortcomings. We all make mistakes and fall into old behavioral patterns. One thing that eases conflict during times where change is being pursued is being gracious. Not just “letting it slide”, but acknowledging the behavior in a Loving and kind way that says, “It's ok that you did that. I know you're still trying and I Love you.” Then we don't have to depend on shame as the fuel for change which just creates inauthentic behavior or “acting.” Then we have a safe place, to stretch out our authentic selves, feel accepted, supported, and inspired to keep evolving.
